I did not think I’d be in the same position I was in before but here I am searching for another job. Money wise things have been quite bleak and I have struggled with trying to understand why I am unable to catch a break. I have less than $100 in my name and a Visa card to pay off and rent to pay which I do not have the money for. I’m not a careless spender, I just haven’t had income coming in lately. I’ve had a couple panic attacks where I have realized how dire my situation is and I have cried out to God to give me something, anything. With each panic attack my anxiety level increases and I want to wallow in my misery. I’ve always been an anxious person, I wasn’t aware that it was such a problem until I started living on my own.I didn’t know that the way i felt how had a name. Whenever I would start to get anxious I would look for relief in other things instead of looking for reassurance from God.
I remember in Job 2 when God allows Satan to attack Jobs health. Job’s wife said that he should disregard his integrity and curse God and die. To which Job responded: “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” Jobs wife wanted him to react to God how I’ve found myself reacting. I’ve been a lukewarm Christian for a great amount of my life. God doesn’t want lukewarm Christians. You’re either all in or all out. I do not get to pick and choose the things that I want to do or don’t want to do. Why am I so willing to walk away from God and his word when I don’t get my way or things aren’t going well? I always think of this verse now to keep myself from being a conditional follower Of Christ. I’m all in. God loves me unconditionally, in my good and in my bad times and I have had some real bad times. Love is a choice, and it’s not real love until you love that person when things get messy and hard.
Just the other day, I read a passage that really spoke to me in my money situation.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
- Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.I know that through this time, I am being taught a lesson. God uses pain and hardships to shape us into the Godly men and women that he sees.
- Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. I recall all the times I cried out to God to take my problem away. I know he will answer my prayers but I just don’t know when. When paul pleaded God to take away his problem, God told him that his grace was SUFFICIENT, for his power was made perfect in weakness. AS I read this part, I knew that God was telling me the same thing. His grace is sufficient for me. His free, unmerited favour is sufficient ( being enough so that I lack nothing). Since I have God’s grace, I have all that I need. I don’t need to worry about money or the future or anything, he has got me covered. I have grown a lot more in my faith during the low points in my life than in the happier times. I depended on no one else but God in those low times and there I was aware of his power.
- That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. I don’t know if I will ever delight in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions or difficulties but i won’t run away and hide or be scared of them. ‘3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.’
So right now, I am at peace. I’m surprised that at such a time as this, I can be so calm and unbothered. There are still times when frantic thoughts sneak their way into my mind but I am able to quiet them down with this truth: God’s grace is enough for me!
I’m persevering onwards!